Summer League

A relationship is a winter sport.

There’s always a training season for any sport and in this scenario it’s called SUMMER. Before you settle on the winter boo in September, spend some time owning a few potential players below:

A texter – It’s 2am and you are full of energy (or liquor) and need someone to entertain your nonsense. This is where the texter comes in handy. You have long forgotten what his voice sounds like over the phone and that’s okay because you really could care less. He pops in with a random joke or a ‘good morning beautiful’ and it’s the pick me up you need on rough days. You may or may not see him in public. He’s spending time calling the girl he’s really interested in but he gives you just enough attention at random intervals to make his spot on the team worthwhile.

The Meat – I’d like to be less crude here but meat is meat (penis). You don’t know where he works and he’s never seen you in anything other than lingerie, a party dress, or perhaps comfy PINK shorts. He probably is about nothing in his real life – the live at home with mama and “don’t interrupt my xbox” game type. Which is fine. He serves his purpose and your cooch is happy…win-win. This is 2011, however, so I suggest you make this some sort of mutual, exclusive sex-friends or wrap it up…tight.

Public Appearances – Your friend is having a baby shower. It’s your cousin’s barbeque. The chick you hate at work is hosting the next function….and you need a date. He’s likely employed, great with people, attractive, and fun to be around. He’s got potential but some internal flaw that prevents you all from ever being more than a date to the next function. This is a nice position for the “I’m not ready for a relationship” or the “I’m only in town for the summer” man.

MVP – you actually like this guy. He may or may not know about your other dates…although I would suggest you keep it honest. He is pursuing you and you are enjoying every moment of it. This is where the REAL dates come from (the kind that happen outside the house in the daytime, with your clothes on). You care about his life and he cares about yours. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’ll be the winter boo if everything goes according to plan.

A Simp – “You are so beautiful you deserve so much more. Any man would be a fool not to love you.” This was likely the first sentence out of his mouth when you met him at the mall. Perhaps he was working the cell phone kiosk. You don’t know why, but his ridiculous amount of attention is endearing. This is THAT guy. Little does he know he’s been banished to the friend box a long time ago and there’s no coming out of that. You’ll hit him with the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ and pass him on to an equally simpin’ female friend around October.

6^th man off bench – This isn’t a permanent position. But always know you need an extra. When managing a team, some will land on injured reserve (i.e. broke or unavailable) and some will just fade off to go be the MVP on another team. Keep an extra…for emergencies of course.

How do you manage this without losing your mind? Simple. Be an owner not a coach. Owners are invested but they are high in the sky watching everyone else be crazy. They aren’t emotionally tied to players…it’s a business…and your business this summer is love. Respond accordingly and don’t invest too much with little to no return.

Don’t be a coach. Don’t be the one who gets so tied up in the game that you find yourself more emotionally and physically exhausted than your players because you spend the majority of your time trying to make them act right. Make cuts liberally, keep it honest, and most of all have fun. If it’s not fun, you are doing it wrong and may need to consider other areas of entertainment – like the Red Box.

Enjoy your summer from the owner’s suite and have a margarita or two while you’re at it….

Originally published on Laugh.Cry.Cuss. laughcrycuss.com

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